Tuesday, October 16, 2007

One year later

I’ve come full circle.
A year ago this month, I started running. Actually, I started walking. Then, it turned into running.
I ran in fog Tuesday morning. It was thick enough to slice. I wore black, so I felt I was among the clouds.
It was a bittersweet anniversary. Lots of loss right now, so I’m distracted. It makes it difficult to celebrate sometimes.
I had a meltdown Tuesday morning when I ran. Full-blown tears. I bet I looked pretty.
It’s the loss – personal and otherwise.
Coach Neil told me Saturday that I shouldn’t run the full White Rock Marathon in December because since I didn’t run for two weeks (vacation and board meeting), I’m behind in training.
He doesn’t think I can catch up without getting hurt.
I thought of that Tuesday morning when my shins started hurting about a mile into the run. My fault, I didn’t stretch or drink enough water last night. He’s probably right, I don’t want to listen, but I will.
Maybe there’s a reason I have to do the WR half again.
Improve my time?
Keep tabs on my team?
Erase last year’s bad memory since it was the day Michael died?
I think a lot when I run. Tuesday was different. Way more intense.
Sometimes I don’t feel anything. It’s like floating. It’s just me and the music.
And too much time to think.

I get too flooded with things in my head.
I miss my best friend.
No WR full this year.
C lost the baby. She was more than half way along.
I miss Michael.
I miss my family.
What the hell am I doing with my life.
See? No rhyme or reason, it just rolled in, like the fog. Right into my head.
Sorry I’ve been away. I think now you probably know why.
I’m a little distracted.

New to the blog: I want to pose a question of the day. It could morph into a thought, but right now I’m into questioning.

QoD: How do you learn to live with loss?

Think about it, and answer, please.
And thanks for reading.


Amy said...

Do you remember "Sleepless in Seattle" when Tom Hanks says he got up every morning reminding himself to breathe in and out until he didn't have to remind himself anymore? Not a direct quote of course but the message is there. It isn't fun but you have no choice. That doesn't sound as inspirational as I meant it. Sometimes, I think you can get beyond it to see it as something worth remembering, something that helped you become who you are. I feel a little like that for a whole lot less right now so what do I know. I hope it gets better. Running and crying and both at the same time can be therapeutic. Your coach is right. There is no shame in the half anyway.

liz said...

You are wise beyond your years, Amy. Thank you so much.
xoxo, MUAH!

motownrunnergirl said...

girl, what do you mean wise beyond her years. it's not like amy's 12!! she's a grown up old lady! just kidding. amy, you are wise. i liked this blog entry. it's inspiring me to write something more interesting on mine. i don't see a problem in continuing to train for the full. but that's just me. sometimes i don't make the smartest decisions. but i sure have fun!

Amy said...

I am glad it helped but "wise" might be a stretch since my life is always a bloody disaster!! Haha.

liz said...

girls, girls, girls. you are both wise. amy, when are you going to blog again?

Andrew Isaac said...

wow, pretty powerful blog liz....

as far as dealing with loss, well, is there one right answer?

You know how they say that every snowflake is unique. For a snowflake to be identical, they would literally have to pass through the same type of atmosphere, altitude and temperature. On top of that, they may hit others snowflakes on their descent.

Humans are the same way..each one of us has a different upbringing, different things happen us in life, we meet different people

So its hard to tell somebody how they should deal with a loss because like the snowflake, we are unique....I guess its something you have to discover by yourself over time

liz said...

gosh, andy. thanks.

liz said...

yeah, andy, you are right. there is no one answer. i keep going back and reading your comments, they are beautiful and inspiring.

Amy said...

He may have been beautiful and inspiring but I was wise. Ugh. Just kidding. Great reflections Andy. Uh and I don't know when I am going to blog again Liz. New job. New boss. He emails me on the weekend. I think I am his b***h. He is nice though so I shouldn't complain too much.